"You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at another lustfully has already committed adultery in their heart."
---Matthew 5: 27-28

Donna is a single mom with two daughters. Her oldest, Jessica is 19 and a freshman at the local state university. Jessica continues to live at home so her college expenses are still within reach with her mom's help and her part time job.

Jessica has just informed her mom that she is going with six of her new college friends, a group of boys and girls, on a weekend ski holiday. Donna knows from discussions with Jessica that most of Jessica's girl friends at college sleep with their boyfriends and this is accepted as normal --- in fact, almost the expected norm. Donna knows also that Jessica's new boyfriend, Kurt, is going on the ski trip.

Donna is filled with anxiety. She lost her last two big battles with Jessica during high school, first, the piercing of her belly button and then the tattoo the size of a salad plate on her lower back.

They have been a good Catholic family, or at least they have tried to be. Donna has taken the girls to Sunday Mass since they were born. She has made sure they were in religious education classes until they were confirmed. She encouraged them to be active in the parish youth group when they were in senior high, but that didn't work out so well.

She reflects on the fact that Jessica is 19, a legal adult, but also on the fact that she is still living at home, under her mom's roof. How much moral control does she have over Jessica? How much parental control should she assert? Could her intervention make any difference at all? Would it make it worse and damage her relationship with her daughter?

The easiest thing to do would be to not even ask about the sleeping arrangements on the trip. Is this just another fight she will lose? How can a parent engage in this discussion with an adult child?

Jesus' teaching
Many might understand Jesus' teaching extending the boundaries of adultery to include not just the act itself but even an impure look at another as hyperbole to make a point (after all who has "perfect" control of their thoughts?). Yet it is, in fact, a clear example of how the "new law" puts the "old law" in a whole new context.

Jesus' teaching on adultery takes the Sixth Commandment, "Thou shall not commit adultery," and moves it from being understood simply as part of a "morality of obligation" and places it within a "morality of happiness." In fact, chastity for the Christian is not primarily an "obligation" but a "desire," a "goal" to be pursued in conformity with our human nature. Chastity that is lived helps the individual thrive as a human.

Human sexuality through the Catholic lens
Unfortunately, for too many centuries, too many generations of Catholics were poorly catechized to understand human sexuality primarily only as the most attractive path to hell invented by the devil. (Let's not forget the fact that the hems of skirts should always touch the kneeler and that patent leather shoes do reflect up.)

Particular cultures collaborated with limited theological understandings to create a notion that human sexuality was almost intrinsically evil, or at least so dangerous that it was rarely discussed and even more rarely integrated into an authentic Catholic vision of the human person created in the image of God. Sexual pleasure was only marginally accepted as a necessary evil to the only legitimate goal of married sexuality, bonum prolis, children.

While it can be legitimately argued that the authentic theological tradition of the Church was not so limited in its appraisal and acceptance of human sexuality, the fact remains that the "dark side" of human sexuality was what was presented to many generations of Catholics by their pastors and catechists. It could be reasonably argued that what many Christians in particular and society in general need is more sex education, not less, but that it be provided through families, schools and parishes that place it in its proper moral context from the beginning.

In fact, in the half century since the conclusion of the Second Vatican Council, the Holy Spirit is urging the Church to once again clearly place human sexuality it its proper context, celebrating its place in the marriage covenant as a legitimate part of the plan of salvation and another of God's gifts to his children.

Sexual intercourse is an essential aspect of the marriage bond as understood by Church law, not an "accidental" addition, or an afterthought. Sexual intercourse within marriage is essentially sacramental.

The encyclical Humanae Vitae (Pope Paul VI, 1968), which is mostly known for its clear teaching on the immorality of artificial contraception, includes a rich theology of marriage which promulgates clearly that there is not a single end of marriage, bonum prolis (children) but also another equally important end, spousal unity. This encyclical gives rise to the contemporary Church teaching about the co-ends of marriage: the unitive and the procreative.

Canon 1061 defines a valid marriage between baptized persons: "… it is called ratified and consummated if the parties have performed between themselves in a human manner the conjugal act which is per se suitable for the generation of children, to which marriage is ordered by its very nature and by which the spouses become one flesh."

Finally, in its wisdom, the new Catechism of the Catholic Church begins its section on the Sixth Commandment (n. 2331-2400) with a wonderful section on human sexuality as part of God's creative plan. Any catechesis on human sexuality must begin with a discussion of the goodness of all of creation and the place of chaste sexual intimacy in the plan of human flourishing before any discussion of the offenses against chastity.

Chastity
It cannot be said enough: Chastity should not and cannot be equated with abstinence, continence or even with vowed celibacy. To do so is reductive and damaging to the authentic virtue of chastity which flows not out of vows, deliberate privation or even necessity but out of the baptismal call to discipleship: "…merely to abstain from illegitimate sexual pleasure at the cost of great efforts is not chastity but continence" (Dictionary of Moral Theology, Cardinal Roberti, p. 215).

Chastity is an authentic expression of our understanding of ourselves and others as the Imago Dei (the image of God). Chastity is respect for ourselves and others and is part of the path to authentic human flourishing.

Prior to the Second Vatican Council, "perfect chastity" was often taught as the equivalent to the promise of celibacy; thus, to all extent and purpose, "perfect chastity" was not attainable to married couples. "Perfect chastity implies abstention from all, even legitimate, sexual pleasure, both present and past, and accompanied by a plan of remaining chaste in the future" (Roberti, p. 215).

The new Catechism avoids this artificial division of "perfect" and "imperfect" chastity and places the notion in the proper context of God's plan for human flourishing. "The virtue of chastity therefore involves the integrity of the person and the integrity of the gift" (CCC, n. 2337). In other words authentic chastity does not see human sexuality as the "enemy" of holiness but as part of God's creative plan for human happiness.

Of course, that is not to say that true happiness and flourishing is found indiscriminately through sexual intimacy but that chastity is a virtue that allows every person to integrate their sexual identity and moral behavior into an integral vision of a holy self:

"Chastity means the successful integration of sexuality within the person and thus the inner unity of the person in their bodily and spiritual being. Sexuality, in which a person's belonging to the bodily and biological world is expressed, becomes personal and truly human when it is integrated into the relationship of one person to another, in the complete and lifelong mutual gift of a man and a woman" (CCC, n. 2337).

Pornography is an offense against chastity, a great evil, not because its subject matter (human sexuality) is intrinsically evil (which it is not), but because it reduces sexuality to an impersonal, a-relational act, that reduces the persons involved from subjects to objects. It objectifies persons.

As Archbishop George Niederauer of San Francisco has remarked, pornography is wrong not primarily because it reveals too much but because it reveals too little --- too little about who we were created to be and too little about the authentic meaning of human sexuality as part of God's creation.

Chastity is not abstinence or celibacy; it is the right use of human sexuality for authentic human flourishing and happiness according to one's state in life. It is essentially the same call to everyone but is lived out differently by married, single or vowed persons. In other words, every baptized Catholic is called to perfect chastity; there are no loopholes. Jesus saw to that in his teaching about adultery.

Conclusion
Only by providing an authentic catechesis of both human sexuality and chastity do we have any chance of providing the 21st century with a vision of sexuality that leads to true human flourishing.

Catechists and parents must resist the temptation to reduce chastity to "abstinence based on fear" or to simply "give up" to the "sitcom" morality that is evangelizing our youth. Sex does not, and in fact cannot, lead to true love (in fact, it is often destructive of potentially life-giving relationships). Rather, true, abiding, lifelong committed love is expressed through sexual intimacy.

From within an authentic, life-giving understanding of sexuality as gift, and chastity as a desired goal, the parent and catechist can then move to those actions and desires that attack and offend human sexuality, prevent true human integrity and can never lead to happiness for oneself or another. To discuss offenses against chastity without presenting sexuality in its life-giving context is to trivialize moral education and reduce Catholic morality to one of "obligation" rather than "beatitude" or happiness.

Donna, her Parish Life Director, her parish religious education director, and her fellow parents need to take heed of the teaching of Pope John Paul II --- a teaching buried, unfortunately, almost too deep in his encyclical, Evangelium Vitae:

"To be truly a people at the service of life we must propose these truths constantly and courageously from the very first proclamation of the Gospel, and thereafter in catechesis, in the various forms of preaching, in personal dialogue and in all educational activity. Teachers, catechists and theologians have the task of emphasizing the anthropological reasons upon which respect for every human life is based" (EV, n. 82).

In other words, John Paul II is challenging us to take up the Gospel as truly "good news" and to understand that the "theology of the body" does not lead to a skewed understanding of human sexuality that then leads to a skewed understanding of chastity. Folks have abandoned a notion of chastity that does not resonate with their desire for human flourishing; it is the place of parents and teachers to replace it with a more authentic notion that leads to human flourishing and that conforms to both Christ and human nature as created by God.

Donna does need to discuss the sleeping arrangements on the ski trip with her daughter, and Donna does need to share with Jessica the wisdom and truth about the place of sexuality for authentic human happiness. If Jessica sleeps with Kurt on this trip or at any time, she won't be treating herself or him with respect, nor will it have any chance of helping them develop a more loving relationship.

Vincentian Father Richard Benson is academic dean and professor of moral theology at St. John's Seminary, Camarillo. His column appears monthly in The Tidings.