Parents often ask what they can do when their children become upset about mistakes. One mom reported that her son became very upset when he took a quiz and missed one question. He did not focus on the 9 out of 10 that were correct, but on the one that he missed. He didn't think he should be making any mistakes at all!

This can be a tricky issue. We need to examine our own behaviors and statements to see if we are contributing to the child reacting in this way.

Many parents say that it's not coming from them, that they are always positive and talk in terms of how many questions a student gets right. That may be, but are we giving them messages in other ways during daily life that suggest that "mistakes" are "bad"?

After all, we all grew up with the idea that the best score is 100 percent and the best grade is A-plus. Most school programs are still passing on this message, to the kids as well as the parents.

The word "test" in itself tells students they are being "measured," and that the score will reveal how "good" or "smart" they are. This is a major reason why tests fail to teach or to be positive motivators in most students' lives. Tests are usually associated with feelings of stress or fear, and often lead to disappointment, sadness and beliefs of inadequacy.

In contrast, let's look at people who perceive "mistakes" in a very different way. For example, it is said that Thomas Edison did more than 1,000 experiments trying to invent the light bulb. He was asked how he could keep going after making so many mistakes. His response: What mistakes? Each time I'm just learning what doesn't work, bringing me closer to what does work.

Similarly, the most successful salespeople look forward to being turned down by potential clients. Their reasoning: The more I hear "no," the closer I am to a big "YES."

These people don't see "mistakes"; they see learning opportunities! Many of our most popular inventions - styrofoam, post-it notes, etc. - started out as "mistakes." The person involved was trying to do something else and made a "mistake." Lucky for us, someone saw beyond the mistake and a new invention was born.

All of our famous inventors, scientists and creative people made lots of mistakes. This is the only way they could get to the discovery they were looking for, by being willing to get it "wrong" so many times.

To get this idea across to our children, we need to make it "safe" for them to make mistakes. The number one requirement for learning is safety. If our students do not feel emotionally safe to explore, try and take risks in their learning, their potentials will not be realized. Many kids stop asking questions in the classroom or don't raise their hands to participate because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing or saying something "stupid."

In order to be successful at anything, including learning, you have to be willing to make mistakes. It's the "fail your way to the top" attitude: If I keep trying, discovering, experimenting, I'll get there. This is what separates the people who achieve their goals from those who don't.

The more we can see "mistakes" as opportunities and incorporate this concept into our everyday family lives, the better it will be for our kids. One way to get help with this is to read stories together of people who turned mistakes into opportunities. Among several books to get you started (go to Amazon.com and put "mistakes" in the search box to get a whole list) are these:

---"Mistakes That Worked: 40 Familiar Inventions and How They Came to Be," by Charlotte Jones (Doubleday, 1994), suggested for youth ages 9-12.

---"Whoever Makes the Most Mistakes Wins: The Paradox of Innovation," by Richard Farson and Ralph Keyes (Free Press, 2002).

---"Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success," by John C. Maxwell (Nelson Multi Media Group, 2000).

If parents and teachers continually point out what students are doing "right" and if "mistakes" are treated as learning opportunities rather than "problems," students will get the idea. Wouldn't it be great if our kids could grow up seeing opportunities all around them?

Children who are continually reminded of and focused on their mistakes often come to the conclusion that they themselves are a mistake. It is up to us adults to show them how to focus on success. Allow the Spirit of God to speak through you to your children and students. His message is, "You are special, you are gifted, you are loved. Take your gift into the world and love others with it."

A new year is beginning. Despite what is going on around us, what if we make a decision to coach our kids to see the opportunities presented in every situation? That seems to me to be a New Year's Resolution worth making!

©2008 by Mariaemma Pelullo-Willis Mariaemma Pelullo-Willis is a California credentialed teacher and holds a Master's Degree in Special Education. She is co-author, with Victoria Kindle Hodson, of "Discover Your Child's Learning Style" (Random House) and "Midlife Crisis Begins in Kindergarten." For many years a Master Catechist for the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, she attends Mission San Buenaventura.