My perspective on parish life has expanded somewhat over time.

For many years I lived it with my children, participating as much as possible in religious education programs, social events, outreach projects and, of course, at liturgies. There was even a rule that if you lived under the roof of our home you attended Mass on the weekend. Since there were few hard and fast rules, it did not cause a problem. The hope was that when the children left home they would continue to be involved in parish life and embrace the faith on their own terms.

It was unsettling, therefore, to hear recently about an admonition given to a congregation about behavior, demeanor and the need for respect within the worship space. Young families in these hectic, busy, uncertain times do not need admonitions on church behavior and respect. They need welcoming into the parish community, and affirmation of their struggles, both the small daily ones and the larger, more difficult ones. They need their churches to be centers of peace and acceptance, open to their children, and they need the acknowledgment that just getting to the church reasonably close to the time of a service is sometimes a feat.

It is my experience that worship spaces are revered as places of respect. Over many years of attending liturgies in big city and small town churches, in cathedrals, university gyms, living rooms and parks, I cannot remember one that was overshadowed by offensive behavior from the people gathered. That is not to say that children and teenagers, my own included, have not been noisy, sometimes even obnoxious, or that dress has been a bit out of line, or that people have not carried on conversations when they should have been more quiet and prayerful.

My three young grandchildren are squirmy, talkative and seldom pay attention to anything but their own needs when they attend Mass; their behavior is completely age appropriate. My daughters give them "the eye", the "look," and remind them to be quiet. They bring whatever is necessary to keep them engaged --- bottles, books and even a car or paper and crayon. The oldest two, now nearly 2 and 4 1/2, sometimes run out into the aisles. As long as they are quiet and not disrupting those around them, they are usually left alone.

Liturgy is a gathering of the people. The people who come through the doors come for a million different reasons. They bring their joys and their sorrows, their dreams, their faith (or, at times, lack of it). Sometimes families arrive at church feeling warm and happy with each other, and other times they smile through clenched teeth. People of different sexual orientation, cultural backgrounds and political passions come through the doors looking to connect with God and each other.

They do not always dress properly or act appropriately. Their children talk, laugh and move around. But unless the situation is very disruptive or a constant occurrence, isn't it best to smile and thank them for coming, even if they leave early or arrive late?

Liturgies are not performances, they are experiences of the sacred, bringing people together in prayer and worship. While there is an expectation of reasonable behavior and participation, those in attendance also deserve to be welcomed and recognized as adults capable of monitoring their own actions, and those of their children.

Anne Hansen is a member of the Camarillo Catholic community. Her e-mail address is familymail@aol.com.